The 3,300-year-old road from Moses to ISIS

januari 2, 2015 kl. 10:49 e m | Publicerat i Okategoriserade | Lämna en kommentar

From Moses to Isis

Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we’re free at last! Moses might have said that when he stood on the other side of the strait and saw the tsunami wave strike against Ramses’ cavalry.

Thousand and thousands of former slaves moved on into the Sinai desert, and with them bulls and cows, goats and sheep, dogs and horses. Perhaps in the beginning they were happy campers, sitting around camp fires singing and then making love in tents or under the stars, but with life of love, peace and understanding in freedom soon also followed problems. Some problems were so widespread that they obviously needed legislation to be dealt with. When we read those laws in the Holy Bible, page after page, we can just imagine what the camping area must have been like: People laying cable everywhere, people walking around with body fluids on their thighs, men having sex with their aunts, sisters, daughters and animals. And that’s not all: the situation when a woman gets down on her knees in front of an animal in order to be penetrated appears to be so common that it’s banned in two different parts of the law. First, in Leviticus (the third book of the Bible) chapter 18:23 it is said that it’s not allowed and that it’s disgusting. Then, in chapter 20:16 it is said that if a woman lets an animal fuck her, both she and the animal must die. In comparison to all this, the Woodstock festival seems to have been attended by shampooed monks and nuns.

Before the law was written down, Moses walked around, probably feeling depressed by all the filth, the dance around the golden calf, the whole swinger’s party. I once was a prince living a life of cleanliness and luxury. Now I have to work my ass off side by side with these stinking peasants, chop wood, herd sheep to get my daily bad-tasting bread on the table. Is this what I wished for? Is this how the rest of my life is going to be? Is this it? This is shit.

I’ve had it with all this all crap, Moses said to himself and walked up a mountain.

The air up here is cleaner. Finally, I can breathe. Finally, I can think beautiful thoughts.

Those people down there, what am I to them? The guy who lead them out of Egypt. A former hero. And now? A nobody. I don’t have the looks. I don’t have the muscles. And I certainly haven’t got a tent. But I’m gonna make them make a nice tent for me. I’m gonna make them make me nice clothing. Walk around in style, as I did in Pharaoh’s palace. I will make them obey anything I say. I don’t wanna work another day in my whole life. They’re gonna give me food for free. Yes, they will feed me, clothe me, bathe me and fucking worship me, ‘cause I am their Lord. Yes! I am their Lord. I am The Lord. I am the connection between the Heavens and the people. It’s because I’m up here on the mountain. I am not doing this for myself. I’m doing it for them. My people. The people of the Lord. They are the chosen ones. Yes. The Lord loves them, and if they just listen to their highest priest, Lord Moses, they will find their way out of this harsh landscape. He, the Moses, will take them to the promised land, take them down to the paradise valley, where the grass is green and the fruits are plenty. He’s gonna take them there. Yeah! Yeah!

I will write many laws. I want to control everything to the smallest detail. But first I must make ten easy-to-remember-laws. Ten laws that everyone can bear in mind. Rule number one: Do not question my orders. No, that sounds silly. I bet some wiseguy will reply, Why not? And then the others will laugh. Okay, so this is not about me. It’s about something bigger. The words of the Lord, spoken to me, written down by me. In stone. Don’t argue with me, man. Argue with the stone. But it won’t help. The words will not change. They are carved in stone. Yeah, now we’re talking. Rule number one: I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

One of the laws, the so called commandments, was, Thou shalt not kill. It sounded nice, but that didn’t stop Moses from having his opponents killed. The law of the jungle has been the strongest law since the dawn of life. Moses said to his guards, (Exodus 32:26-35) (roughly) So says the Lord, the God of Israel, Take your swords and slay down my opponents. Then 3,000 opponents were murdered. And the next day Moses let his guards punish everyone who had worshipped the wrong god, the golden calf.

Moses had now reached his first goal. He had become a dictator.

Next goal was to take his people to the promised land. During the march, new problems occurred. The religion of Moses was a racist religion. He thought of his people as God’s own people, the chosen ones. They were not allowed to mix up their pure blood by fornicating with member of other tribes. Well, boys will be boys, and many of God’s boys started to fuck available Moabitish women, enjoy their cooking and thank their god Baal-Peor (a.k.a. Belphegor). What a setback for Moses! But he responded quickly and said, (The fourth book, chapter 25:1-5) Arrest the Moabitish leaders and hang them high! And kill all men of Israel who have made company with Baal-Peor (Moses wasn’t a big fan of multi culti).

Now, when Moses had shown his power, things went easier. With his army, he attacked the people of Midian. Slayed the whole people, except virgin girls. Moses considered them pure and let officers keep them and do what they wanted with them (chapter 31:7-18). Soldiers were rewarded with half of all the sheep, cows and donkeys. The civilians got the other half.

Moses and his people invaded city after city. They slayed men, women and children. Stole anything worth stealing. Moses assured his people time after time that God was on their side: that God wanted this to happen.

Like every mortal, also Moses died, but his lean, mean killing machine kept raiding cities in the Middle East. Jericho was next. Tough mission. Thick walls. But as always, the chosen people managed to win. As they already had more food than they could eat, their bloodthirst didn’t stop after killing all men and women. They also killed every ox, sheep and donkey. Then they collected large amounts of gold and silver, copper and iron. The only living creatures that were spared were the whore Rahab and her relatives as a thanks for Rahab helping Israeli spies before the raid (Joshua, chapter 6:20-25).

Years went by. Hundreds of years. Thirteen hundred years. Enter the Nazarene.

Brought up in a non-academic environment, he was probably autodidact. Although he might not have had a public library in his home town, perhaps he spent time at the local pub, listening to merchants who spread stories and ideas from the big world: Rome, Athens, the countries along the Silk Road. So maybe he knew a little about Cicero’s talents, Greek philosophy and Buddha’s religion. He had the looks, he had the charm, and he aquired the gift of speech to spread the message of love.

He did great. Comforted many souls. The poor, the weak, the sick, the broken-hearted.

Sadly though, his teachings weren’t welcomed by the high priests of Jerusalem. By a little help from the Romans, they got this nice fellow killed.

But thanks to a guy named Paul his message was spread around the world anyway. And three hundred years later his religion became the official religion of the Roman Empire.

Another three hundred years later: Enter Muhammad.

He was an orphan who became a merchant who became a warlord who liked to spend his free time in a cave thinking about the world he lived in. He was an educated man and his teachings were written down by others in a book called The Quran. The book combines Moses’ management by fear, Jesus’ unselfish love for all of mankind with original ideas, all in all with the mission to make people live decent lives with respect for each other.

Nevertheless, how to make people convert to worshipping of Allah if Moses’ or Jesus’ versions of monotheism is considered just as good as Muhammad’s? In spite of Muhammad’s good intentions he just had to add a little criticism regarding the competing faiths. But he was perfectly clear with that he who starts a war is guided by Satan. It is only accepted to use weapons if you are defending yourself against an attacking enemy. The faiths of Jews and Christians may be somewhat impure, but Allah is merciful to all Jews and Christians who have a good heart.

But wherever there are men in great numbers competing for land, women and riches, there will be war.

So for the last one and a half thousand years, men has drawn their swords and beheaded each other. Christians versus Jews and Muslims. Muslims versus Christians and Jews. Catholics versus Protestants. Shia Muslims versus Sunni Muslims. Everybody versus everybody all around the globe. From tribal warfare in the Amazon rainforest to Samurai warfare on the islands of Japan.

So what then are the members of ISIS? Are they defenders of the true faith? What is their faith? Riding around like cowboys, killing Indians and raping squaws? Every time someone starts a religion, perverts will try to have their time of their life justified by saying that they fight for that religion. Ku Klux Klan borrowed the Christian cross and set it on fire. The Nazis borrowed the Christian cross and put some hooks on it. Moses borrowed the legend of Abraham and turned it into a fascist regime. Hinduism became a religion that divides humans into worthy people, not so worthy people and worthless people. And communism was a godless religion that killed just as many humans as all the other religions together.

A few decades from now, humans will colonize Mars. What kind of religion should we have there? A new one or no one?

Yours sincerely

Mr. H. Tendell

 

 

 

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